nobody said it was easy
by katieanddiego
Summary: "And it's strange because some days she kind of accepts the fact that she has cancer and she's just going to have to deal with it, but other days the pain is unbearable and she just hates the fact that she has to be the one to suffer while the others just sit there with sympathetic looks on their faces. It's not their fault. But it's not her fault either."


**A/N: So this is just a super long random fanfic that I came up with when I was trying to do my homework. I haven't read the entire thing over and so I'm sorry for any mistakes or stuff. I have no idea how to write angst or anything, so hope it isn't too bad. Oh, and I apologize for any OOC'ness or any medical inaccuracies :) **

**Disclaimers: I do not own How I Met Your Mother **

* * *

Life is never fair.

Just when her life is finally sorted, just when she's gotten her dream job, just when she's beginning to feel as if maybe she _can_ make a difference to the world, Robin gets the news. It doesn't really hit her as she's walking from the hospital, even though she's shaking like hell and she can't stop swallowing and her eyes are watering (but she's not crying, even though she should be because that's what normal people are supposed to do after they get news like this), and she wonders how the others will react when they find out.

She hails a taxi, and clambers in. Robin wonders if she should blurt out _I have cancer _to the taxi driver right now just to see how it sounds like and how he'd react, but decides against it. She's pretty sure that he wouldn't care, anyway.

~.~

When she's talking to Marshall the next day whilst Ted and Barney are out having a drunken night trying to find girls to hook up with (Ted had completely lost all hope of ever finding the one) and Lily's taking a nap because apparently nap time at the preschool had been banned again, Marshall's complaining about something stupid, when he suddenly stops and studies her face. Maybe he's noticed how tired she is, maybe it's because she's not even paying attention to what he's talking about, or maybe it's simply because she looks like she's about to have a nervous breakdown.

"Are you okay?" He asks, and she manages to force a smile and nod her head, even though she wants to scream out _no I'm not okay, I have cancer and I'm probably going to die!_

So she takes a deep breath and with a shaky voice, she manages to say "yes, I'm okay," but then she realizes that they all have to find out sooner or later and so she pauses.

"No, er, actually, I'm not. Marshall, I have cancer."

He tenses up and Robin waits for him to cry and hug her and say "I'm sorry," over and over again and to call Lily, but he doesn't do any of that.

Marshall nods, and says "how bad is it?" but his voice sounds strained and she can tell that he's holding back tears.

"The doctors say that it's treatable, of course. It's leukemia. I'm not that worried."

The last part is such a massive lie and he knows it.

"Don't tell anyone," she says in a rush and he looks directly into her eyes, dark brown meeting light blue, and he looks more serious than she's ever seen him. Yes, Marshall's never been able to keep anything a secret before, but those were all stupid, trivial things like who broke Ted's radio and who ate the last piece of fudge and who slept with Barney (and how would Barney react in a situation like this?), and not something as big as this.

"I promise." He says, and somehow Robin knows that he's not lying.

They sit back and stare at the ceiling for a few minutes, when he turns to her and says "I am so sorry, Robin."

She groans a little, but looks at him and tries to smile even though in these circumstances, it's impossible.

"Thanks."

~.~

Lily founds out one day after, when they're watching some random movie at Ted's apartment and she suddenly finds a bruise on Robin's arm, and asks how the hell she managed to get a bruise that large.

"I...fell."

"_Robin."_

"Cancer."

Lily glares at her and says "Robin! That's not something to joke about!"

"I know."

She waits for Lily to think about it. When she finally gets it, she opens her mouth and closes it again.

"Oh my God. Robin, do you have-"

"Yes."

Lily hugs her tightly and starts sobbing even Lily's meant to be the one to comfort Robin and not the other way round.

~.~

Barney is next, and he's the one that Robin was the most worried about. She knows about his abandonment issues, about the crazy things he'll do when he can't contain his feelings, and so she's kind of terrified. (And why should she be the one that's scared? Barney's not the one that's going to most likely die of cancer)

They're in the middle of playing battleship, when she suddenly blurts out "I have leukemia."

Barney stays still for a couple of seconds, and she looks at him anxiously as he stands up and clears his throat.

"You're not joking, right? Because if you are, then that's not cool, Scherbatsky. That's not cool at all."

"It's not a joke."

He blinks, and then finally takes a deep breath.

"In that case, you don't have to worry about a thing. My mom had the same condition, and look at her now! I'll just get you a cancer guy-"

"You mean doctor?"

"-and sooner or later you'll be healthy as ever."

It's unbelievable that Barney's acting so chilled about it but Robin's immensely grateful and smiles.

~.~

Ted is the last person to know, and when she tells him, he hugs her and cries.

"Are- are you okay?" He asks, and Robin shrugs. She actually doesn't know how she's meant to feel, and all she knows is now that all her friends know, she feels a lot better about this. After all, she isn't definitely going to die, and Barney's right. She has a fighting chance, and Robin Scherbatsky never gives up a fight.

~.~

A few weeks past, and Robin's not feeling as optimistic as before. Maybe the reality of the situation really has sunk in. She allows herself to cry at night, because the truth is that she's terrified.

And who wouldn't be?

Doctor's visits quickly become a regular thing for her, and soon they begin chemotherapy.

~.~

To her immense surprise, her hair doesn't all fall out in big clumps. She still has most of it, and her friends say that she's really lucky.

_Yes,_ she thinks. _I have cancer and I might be dying but whatever, I am so, so lucky, because at least I have hair!_

And it's strange because some days she kind of accepts the fact that she has cancer and she's just going to have to deal with it, but other days the pain is unbearable and she just hates the fact that she has to be the one to suffer while the others just sit there with sympathetic looks on their faces.

It's not their fault. But it's not her fault either.

~.~

"Have you told your family back in Canada yet?" Ted asks one day, and she shrugs.

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Well, they don't really care, do they?"

"Yes, they do!" He says sharply.

They argue about it for quite a long time before finally, she calls them and waits. Ted gives her a look of encouragement and squeezes her hand (she feels really uncomfortable when he does that, but at the same time, it's better than nothing) and her little sister answers.

"Katie," she begins, and then swallows. "Can I speak to mom?"

"Oh, c'mon. Talk to me. I haven't talked to you in forever!"

"Please. I have news."

"What? You pregnant or something?"

Robin hears her sister laugh, and she feels a twinge of guilt because in a few minutes, it's likely that she won't be laughing at all.

"No. Katie, I have cancer."

"What the hell? Robin, are you serious?"

"Yes, so could I please talk to mom?"

And while she's telling her mom, in the background she can quite clearly hear her little sister sobbing in the background.

~.~

"Hey, if you die, you're leaving me all your panties, right?" Barney asks one day. Lily nudges him in the arm, Marshall slaps him (and for once, this doesn't even count as another slap for the slap bet because he deserved it) and Ted clears his throat loudly.

But Robin appreciates the fact that Barney's the only one that isn't treating her as if she's some sort of delicate flower, and nods.

"You know I would." She grins, and he high fives her. And yet she can sense that Barney's breaking inside as well, as if he's also hurting but is simply pretending to act as if he's fine for Robin's sake.

~.~

Lily asks Robin if she'd like to make a bucket list before she died ("_if _you died, I mean!" She says hastily, when Robin raises her eyebrows)

Robin refuses, and when Lily asks why, she replies "I have no idea what I want to do before I die."

Not the deepest answer, or the most satisfying, but it's how she really feels.

~.~

Robin's determined that she's not going to break. She tells the others that she's fine, that she's a Scherbatsky, that she just isn't bothered by the fact that she has leukemia at all. Marshall thinks it's insane, that it's not healthy for her to be holding everything inside, that she should simply just tell them her feelings and it'll make her feel a lot better.

That's the problem, though. Expressing her feelings was never a strong point, and it never will be.

She's just going to have to pretend that everything is fine.

~.~

But of course, sometimes you can't hold everything in at once. Sometimes it's good to cry and cry and cry. And one day, while she's talking to Barney, that's what she does.

She doesn't know why, but suddenly it's like something inside of her has snapped and she starts sobbing and hitting the pillow with her fists.

"It's-" punch. "-not-" punch. "-fair!"

And it's not fair because she's sick of having to pretend that she's fine and sick of acting so brave when inside, she's so, so scared and it just hurts.

Barney holds her in his arms and strokes her hair. It's gone all dry and wispy now.

"There now, Scherbatsky." He whispers, and she clings onto his suit (to his credit, he only winces a little bit when she gets snot all over it) and they sit there for hours while she cries.

"Let's not tell anyone about this?" She asks when she finally stops feeling so angry and he nods.

~.~

They're watching a movie together when Robin suddenly says "My cancer is nearly gone."

It's the first time she's properly felt happy, and they all stand up and hug her and Barney says "I told you!" and Lily says "congratulations, sweetie," and Marshall opens the window, yells "SHE'S GETTING BETTER!" and orders a pizza, and Ted simply smiles and hugs her.

They have a celebration afterwards, of course at MacLarens, and Marshall raises a toast.

"To Robin. Congrats on kicking cancer's ass!"

It's the best time they've had since what seems like forever.

~.~

And yet some time after, she collapses while she's out shopping with Lily and it turns out that it's gotten worse.

Much worse.

At this point, it's clear that she most likely won't make it and the gang are all prepared to all be there the day that she dies, and maybe take a beer, and talk to her and make sure she doesn't feel lonely or scared at all.

The pain is killing her and at this point she doesn't even care that she's going to die soon.

Wasn't she meant to be a fighter?

Sometimes even the strongest people had to admit defeat.

~.~

Every night the others are scared that she's going to die while they're busy, and she says that she'll always hang on, and wait until they're all there with her.

"Promise?" Barney asks.

She gives a half-hearted smile (she's still beautiful, even when she's pale and near death) and says "promise."

~.~

Life doesn't work out the way you want it to be.

She dies when Barney's at a meeting, and Lily's trying to save a kid who choked on a crayon, and Ted and Marshall are stuck in a traffic jam.

When Barney gets the call, he chucks his phone out the window and punches a wall.

He had meant to be there when she died. They all were.

"You happy now?" He screams, and he isn't sure if he's screaming at Robin, or God, or anyone at all.

His co-workers find him sobbing under his desk, screaming "you promised!" over and over again.

~.~

Ted breaks down when he makes the speech at her funeral, so Marshall and Lily finish it for him. Patrice reads out a poem about kittens. Nora talks about every good thing she's ever done.

Her dad's there as well.

When Barney sees him, he gets so angry because Robin had died before he had gotten to say "Robin, I love you, eh." and he was the main reason why she had the worst childhood ever.

"You happy now that she's dead?" Barney snaps at him.

He looks slightly taken back.

"No. I would be sadder if she was a male, but what can you do about it?"

"You jackass!" He can't believe that someone would be so heartless. "What else are you disappointed about? That she didn't- didn't die a heroic death?"

"Yes, that is also something that I-"

Robin Sr never gets the chance to finish because right there, Barney punches him right in the nose.

~.~

A while after the funeral, they're sitting in MacLarens when Ted suddenly speaks up. He's half drunk and grieving, but then again, they all are.

"You know, Marshall, I normally don't believe in ghosts, but right now I really wish that she'd come back as one."

That's when Barney imagines Robin as a ghost, making dirty gestures during important business meetings, whispering things into his ear when he's trying to pick up chicks at the bar, watching him with great interest while he's trying to take a shower.

And for the first time in two months, Barney laughs.


End file.
